There’s no panic like sitting down to write a blog post and discovering that you have no access to your site. That happened to me tonight- on my ninth bloggerversary!

The horror!!!!

I thought that I had lost nine years of beautiful, raw life documentation….posts I’d never get back.

Thankfully, after working with Bluehost, they got my site up and running. I really needed a glass of wine after all of that. My nerves are still shot! I’m reminded that this is why I have an expensive web host. Tonight, it was money well spent. My memories and writings have been preserved!

And how life has changed since 2014- when it all began as Queen Jarrell. The memories! Blogging was a new thing then, and I was so excited to write about my wifely adventures. Life has changed- and I have changed- a lot in those nine years!

Although I’m now all in my feelings, I’ll share the salads I meant to share with you earlier.

Before I realized it was my bloggerversary…

Before I thought I lost my website….

And I didn’t have the glass of wine I thought I needed because I’m counting calories (and eating salads.)

Do you know what kind of willpower that takes?

But Before the Salads, Let’s Talk About Noom….

Since the holidays, my eating has been sloppy. I could tell that my weight was creeping up and I’d been a little miserable. Imagine my horror this weekend when I stepped on the scale and discovered I had gained ten pounds (and that is a lot for me!) I’d been halfway reading ads about the Noom app and decided it was time to give it a try. So, I’ve Noomed for 4 days of my two-week free trial, and so far, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve tried every type of diet and style of eating- mainly because I’m always so interested in this type of stuff. And this app is different! It’s psychology based and gives you articles to read every day, as well as some random quizzes to test the knowledge you’ve learned. If I ever doubted I was a binge eater (or storm eater as they call it), the questionnaires confirmed it. So now, Noom is helping me break my habits by finding my triggers. Pretty interesting stuff!

And by the way, if you ever want a reality check, record everything you eat for a day. No doubt I was experiencing weight gain! I guess that I thought I could drink wine every night, eat cheese and crackers for dinner, and snack on handfuls of nuts at the time. I forget I’m a post-menopausal 50-year-old woman. I’m finally resigning myself to the fact that my body really just wants fruits and salads. It definitely does not want dairy. And I might as well just rub the wine on my thighs because that’s directly where it’s headed.

Besides reading the courses, Noom wants me to weigh every day to take the shock out of weighing and to learn the ebbs and flows of my own weight. I’m not there yet. After the shock of my weight this weekend, I think I’ll get a few days of calorie counting and recording under my belt before I try that again. Who needs that stress?

I’m excited that I’ve had a good few days. I do feel better since I’ve been eating proper meals. I’ve actually cooked (by cooking, I mean I put lettuce on a plate). Eric does the rest, bless his heart. I forget that I do like salads. We used to make everything into a salad before we fell out of the habit.

Now, the Salads…

Here are a few of my favorite salads from the past few days….

Broccoli Salad

I love broccoli salad! This is by far my favorite recipe by thefoodcharleton.com. For whatever reason, I couldn’t find this exact recipe on her site. But trust me, the mustard and cayenne pepper makes this recipe so good!

Brussels Sprout Salad

Eric air-fried the sprouts with a little oil and Italian seasoning. We added parmesan cheese, roasted pecans, and black olives. We totally forgot to add the bacon! Oops! I used aged balsamic vinegar for the dressing. That’s all it needed!

Shrimp, Green Bean, and Arugula Salad

For this salad, we used leftover black rice (lots of good fiber), green beans, and shrimp. The shrimp were sauteed in a little butter and dill. I LOVE dill! We put it on a bed of arugula and had a Wasa cracker with it.

We try to eat almost everything on a bed of lettuce. It seems to make the dishes seem more voluminous and definitely requires more chewing. Warm salads during the winter are so good!

Hope this inspires you to add some salads to your diet. I’ll do an update on the Noom app soon. If you are interested in the psychology of eating it offers, download the free trial. I downloaded it and then canceled immediately. I’ve read that they still offer the tracking and food database for free. I’ll let you know!

Happy saladin’ Y’all!

Y’all…..

I am really late to the game on posting my New Year’s resolutions. I’m a whole month late!

The horror!

However, I really needed to feel this resolution thing out. I mean, how can I top last year? I finally had my European honeymoon, made Cava in Spain, started my dream job, and grew my side business.

It’s taken a minute (and maybe a bottle of wine) to figure out where I need to focus my energy. I realize not everyone sets resolutions for the new year. However, I LOVE a goal! And I’m in this with both feet!

The Why

Before I share my goals, I’ll remind you that I do occasionally overshare on my blog. If you know me, you aren’t shocked. This is why I pay for a blog. It’s my personal space and it ain’t cheap! So please bear with me…

This year, someone actually asked me why I overshare. Although the comment was probably meant as a criticism, I took it at face value. I understood the question. And I get it. Some people are private. In a lot of ways, as an extreme introvert, I am private. Writing and interacting with my readers is one of the few things that makes me feel more like the extrovert I’d love to be, although in a different life, obvie. (Just had to use that!)

This year, I read a book that stated that in order to be a classy person, you have to under share and become a mystery to all.

Here are My Thoughts….

That’s not worked well for me. I’m not a person that people like on first impressions. I come across as cold and awkward. I so want people to be comfortable around me, but I put people off. I really don’t understand. It hurts my heart a little. I’ve found that the best way to make connections is to be honest and transparent. I pride myself on sharing the good and the bad. It’s helped me to form very special relationships.

Years ago, when I was going through my darkest times (the eating disorder and the divorces), I promised God that I would try to help others if He were to only get me through those hard times. That’s why I share. He got me through all of those hard times. He grew me. And He put it in my heart to share.

The Goals

So now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about this year’s goals…..

I broke my goals down into categories. I will be blogging about those categories throughout the year.

First, I’m a Firm Believer in Setting a Financial Goal.

Y’all, this ain’t easy. I like to spend money on nice things. However, I looked at my savings. I might have cried. After I recovered, I did set a reasonable goal for growth, and I’m going for it. To get there, there will be sacrifices. I need to sell some things I don’t use. I need to question myself before purchasing if I really need those things. Will those purchases improve my life every day? As far as clothes go, I could easily go a year without buying more things and I’d be ok. However, being someone who loves fashion, I know that won’t happen. So, I set myself a clothes budget. I will contribute to that savings account every month ( I have at least ten savings accounts- it works for saving!!!!) I can bank it or spend it at the end of the month. But before I purchase anything, I will wait at least a week before purchasing and I will ask myself if it fits into my lifestyle and if I will love wearing it three years from now. Also, I’ll ask myself if it wrinkles. That’s a no-go. Maybe I’ll even sell my darn iron….

Second, I’m a Firm Believer in Setting a Health Goal.

Yeah, I know I’m an eating disorder recovery patient and I shouldn’t be concerned with weight, except that I am. It’s programmed in. I’m ten pounds over where I was last year, and I’m not good with it. I downloaded a free trial for Noom. That’s a psychological-based eating app. I have the free trial for two weeks, and so far, I love it. I’ll share more later. From Noom, I’ve learned to weigh every day, to hold myself accountable, and to track every calorie I eat. Some of you will disagree on any of those things. However, I’ve tried every diet under the sun. Trust me. It all comes down to calories in/calories out. I’m looking forward to sharing my progress with you all! And I’ll share tips. Calories in/out and tracking are always a good start. You can fine-tune your eating to your body type after you establish good habits. Did I mention I’m a certified health coach? This is my thing.

Third, I Believe That One Needs to Prioritize What is Important in Their Own Life.

You really need to get the most out of your own life. It’s so easy to constantly think about ten things at once. You get to the point that you just exist 90% of the time. Personally, I don’t want to live my life mindlessly. I want to make the effort to make it all special. I want to be present at the moment. I want to do the extra things. I want to take pictures and make my life feel glamorous….on a budget, of course. This takes work and training. A LOT of work. But it can be done. I’ll share some of my favorite books later. You can never find enough inspiration to live a better life! This also includes personal relationships. Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. Always leave things as if it were your last day. Would this day be important to you? Did you receive the blessings that were offered? Did you bless someone else?

I’m looking so forward to blogging about my experiences this year! I’m going to keep oversharing. I’m going to keep trying to be my best self while finding myself and growing.

My wish for you is to find inspiration, wherever you find it.

Be Your Best You!

Figure out what is important. Write it down. Hold yourself accountable this year. And please feel free to share. As always, your comments are private and are a judgment-free zone. I value you!

Lots of love and best wishes for 2023! Thank you for following my everchanging life journey!

Do you ever look at an old photo and remember what it felt like to really feel like yourself? Do you ever wonder what happened to you?

The real you?

Do you know what dampened your spark? Can you pinpoint when you lost yourself?

That’s me this holiday season. All day long. I realized it when this photo memory popped up. And there are so many photos like this…..so many photos of me having fun.

What happened to me? Where did this fun Aunt Kathi go? Did I actually jump on a trampoline? I remember that day so clearly. I had just divorced for the second time and was living my best life. I thought I’d have a heart attack from jumping so hard. I might have almost barfed. My sister and I laughed so hard, I thought we’d die. I was much younger, but let’s not factor that in… *laughing emoji*

And just like that, today I realized that I’d died. And honestly, I don’t know exactly when I died. I truthfully hadn’t realized that I’d lost myself- or the extent of the absence of the fun life I always lived. How could I allow this to happen? Maybe it was just a very slow death, one that only those closest to me recognized.

I don’t want to be the person I presently am. This isn’t the real me.

My first panicky thought was “How will I fix this? Is it even possible to save me?”

And from prior experience, I know that I can save myself. Without a doubt, I can save myself! I’ve done it before.

First, I think I wasn’t true to myself in the whole marriage thing. Yes, that’s very raw and honest. I believe that some people aren’t meant to live life as a married partner. Have I mentioned I’m super OCD? I know that I’m impossible to live with. That makes it difficult for the strongest of partners. And I feel beyond guilty about it. Every time someone calls us the perfect couple on social media, I cringe. I don’t want that pressure. We are not a “power couple” as we’ve been called. We may look similar in style, but there’s a whole lot of different going on. Don’t get me wrong. I have an awesome husband. It’s just that I’m not an awesome wife and definitely not an awesome stepmom.

There is still so much of me who doesn’t want any pressure to conform to the normal life- who loves not having to answer to no anyone else… who loves only having to only worry about my own happiness.

Second, I’ve always been somewhat of a people-pleaser…especially when it comes to my parents. I’ve always wanted to please them. I want them to feel I’ve made good choices. And over and over throughout my life, I’ve seemed to fail. They haven’t made me feel that way. It’s my own guilt. I never wanted kids. That has to be a disappointment. I’ve been married multiple times. And I feel they are most comfortable knowing I have a good husband. Yet, I’ve never been able to make that work. That’s so not like my parent’s relationship. Even though they have always offered their support, I feel I’ve failed in so many ways.

Third, I’ve lacked self-confidence in knowing that I have the ability to look after my own needs. I’ve also straight-up lacked the confidence in finding and being true to myself.

I’ve realized that in my lack of self-confidence and my need to please others by portraying myself to be something other than my true self, I’ve hurt and disappointed many. I cringe at how to even undo the damage I’ve caused by not standing up for myself and my needs. Sometimes, I feel like I’m on an airplane spiraling downwards that is destined to crash. It truly hurts my heart.

In my introspection, I can be true to myself, however that evolves. I don’t need to try to please anyone else. If they love me, they love me. If they don’t, I’ll survive. I have the confidence to know that I don’t need someone else to “up” my social status. I know that I can create my own life. My best true self is yet to come. I can be involved in the community. I can have my own business. I can excel at my job. I can do big things. I’m never been satisfied with being average and it’s ok for me to feel that way.

Maybe 50 is just the beginning for me.

For 2023, my goal is to find the old me…..the happy, fun me….whatever changes that brings.

I want to find the me who isn’t afraid to post social media pictures documenting my experiences. I miss not caring what everyone else thinks. I miss being real! In 2023, there will be no more fake life. No more doing what everyone expects me to do.

No worries, I won’t air my dirty laundry! I’ll keep it classy. (If you know, you know…many regrets…)

Will I on occasion drink too much wine? I will.

Will I document dancing in the kitchen? I will. (Mom caught me today and I was being my best self…)

Will I find comedy in life? Of course!

Will I push and challenge myself to do more and be more? Absolutely.

Will I let go of any situation that isn’t serving me? Yes to that too.

I’m 50. My time is short. (Shorter than it has been…)

I’m not sure what the outcome will be for 2023. Will it be difficult? Possibly. I can handle it. I’m prepared.

Will I force myself to grow 1000%? I’d say I already set the ball in motion in 2022. This year, my goal is to find the old me.

I will be SO fun- like the most fun 50-year-old ever!

Self-care. Self-indulgence. Me, doing me.

Because I’m on it.

If you are lost, may your feel inspired to find your best self! Be bold and brave. Challenge yourself to grow and may 2023 be the best year for you yet!