Eating Disorder Recovery Archives

Categories: Adventures, Eating Disorder Recovery, Health

What You Don’t See

What Do You See?

Do you see a woman who is too old to wear a red bikini?

Do you see the saggy skin, wrinkles, and sun damage that “should be covered”?

Do you see a woman who is trying too hard to be young?

Do you see a woman who is self-confident enough to “parade around in a swimsuit” all day?

Do you see a woman who has everything she wants because she is married to a lawyer?

What You Don’t See…

You don’t see a woman who has refused to put on anything other than a conservative black one-piece swimsuit for the past fifteen years.

You don’t see a woman who has hated her body for more than 25 years and has refused to even look at more than her face in a mirror.

You don’t see a woman who has worked her ass off to heal herself from a 25-year-old eating disorder when no doctor or therapist could.

You don’t see a woman who would rather die than have anyone see her in a swimsuit of any kind.

You don’t see a woman whose lifelong goal was just to make peace with her body.

You don’t see the joy of the 80s when all of the sun damage was acquired on the beach with friends. You don’t see all the times we slathered baby oil on our bodies and climbed onto the rooftop to tan while listening to Def Leppard. We didn’t care about sun damage back then. We just wanted to be old and tan! Every sunspot and wrinkle was joyfully earned!

You don’t see a woman resigned to giving into what society deems proper for “52”. I still feel 30. I’m not trying to be young. I feel young! Who is it that defines “young” anyway? If I’m not hurting anyone else, let me be. So far, 50 has been the best time of my life and I will set my standards for my 50s. I plan to use my knowledge to be better in my 60s! After all, my 50s were better than my 40s.

You don’t see the socially awkward woman who works to do things outside of her “norm”. I push myself out of my comfort zone regularly to make myself a better version. “Fake it ’till you make it”? Perhaps.

Turning 50 has been a blessing in that I no longer feel the need to conform. It’s okay to be socially awkward. Embrace the unique qualities that make you an original!

You don’t see the tired, sweaty independent woman who still proudly lives on a teacher’s paycheck, who does her own housework and yard work. I’m a woman who doesn’t have it all, but I make the absolute best of what I do have.

And most of all, you don’t see the woman who is so grateful for life experiences and for what she does have.

Takeaways…

Things are rarely what they seem. Be open-minded.

Take inspiration from others, but design your own life. Design a life that is unique to you, a life that you love.

Celebrate your victories! Always strive to grow.

Invest in yourself.

Love yourself and your age.

Never let anyone dull your light!

And if you choose to do so, wear the darn bikini!

Categories: Eating Disorder Recovery, Life, Random Things

St. Patrick’s Day 2019- Making the Effort

Every year, my sister and I think about doing something to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.

Every year, we browse Pinterest for recipes and party ideas.

Every year, stuff happens and we don’t make the effort.

So many of my past years have been spent “not making the effort” to do things. I cringe when I think of the precious years that have been lost to my dieting obsession and to my self-imposed isolation. I’d always reasoned that I’d make the effort when I felt better about myself. Because of this, so many fun opportunities have been missed. Sadly, there are very few pictures of those years and even fewer memories. So I’ve vowed to make the effort to throw the parties and to take the pictures and to make the memories.

So finally, this year, we threw the St. Patrick’s Day party.

Finally.

It was a small gathering.

It was absolutely thrown together.

It was utterly a hot mess of a party.

Here are a few highlights from the day’s events…

When I woke, I texted my go-to girls, Jen and Holly, to make sure that everyone was on board to celebrate. Since I had no festive decorations, Holly picked me up and we made a Dollar Tree run. Since the Dollar Tree produced nothing more than green plates and a couple of random decorations, we braved Wal-Hell. I did snag the last pair of leprechaun leggings (making it totally worth the trip) and under Holly’s watchful eye, I did learn to use the self-checkout. Yay, me, for trying something new!

The rest of the afternoon was spent baking Lucky Charms cupcakes with my new Kitchen Aid mixer (YAY!) and making an ugly leprechaun cheeseball. I’m not sure whether the leprechaun elicited more bouts of laughter or my left-handed carrot peeler. For the life of me, I don’t know why I’d ever purchase a left-handed peeler….anyway, our leprechaun turned out far uglier than our Pinterest inspiration. Don’t ‘cha think?

Our selection of drinks included Irish mules for the guys, sparkling Midori for the gals, and green sherbert drinks for the teens, who did make a brief appearance.

We wore our festive Walmart finds and threw up a quick backdrop for pictures. Please tell me I’m not the only person who keeps a spare curtain and rod just for that purpose….

I’m so glad we made the effort to throw a party. No one ever wishes they’d laughed less, right? My heart is happy because we finally threw the party, we took the pictures, and we made the memories.

Categories: Eating Disorder Recovery, Health

Getting Back on Track- Hunger Based Eating

Have you ever been so tired of feeling that life is just one big struggle? That there has to be more?

That’s been me for the last few years. I feel like I make things look fairly easy and I try to have a decent attitude. But anxiety and frustration feel like they are all-consuming at times.

I really want to get back to the happy place I was before 2016…the days when it was easy to find joy in the simple things and when I made time for my hobbies, such as blogging.

I want sparkle.

I want to get back on track.

So, I starting looking that the things in life that I could make better…

Finances?

My finances are decent. I live with a budget that I made for myself and it works for me. I’ve been able to mange several emergencies without depleting my emergency fund. I’ve even been able to afford a small vacation. Although finances are stressful, there’s not much more I can do to make that better.

Relationships?

Yes, those could all be better. I still spend a lot of time being angry about life circumstances, so I do isolate myself more than I should. I don’t want to subject anyone to my grumpy self.

Attitude?

Hmm….that’s a constant work in progress. I’m trying.

Health?

I’ve already made some changes there. I think I’ve resolved some issues by simply getting rid of my IUD. Being in constant pain didn’t help my attitude.

Eating Habits?

Absolutely! That’s not been so great. I’ve been stuck in a cycle for the last two years of restricting and counting calories, bingeing, and then hating myself for not being able to get a grip on this. Although I’ve recovered from some eating issues, I’ve realized that I’ve replaced them with other issues. I’ve only put a band-aid on my eating disorder. I’ve become so good at counting calories and measuring out food that I can instantly name the amount of calories in any food and most meals. I check My Fitness Pal more than I check my Instagram! That’s pretty much a miserable and time-consuming existence. Although I’ve allowed myself to be at a normal weight, I’ve refused to give up control of food. I have a very strong feeling that if I work on my eating habits, it’s going to drastically improve my entire outlook on life – from finances (because bingeing ain’t cheap!) to my overall mental and physical health.

So let’s talk about this….

Most recently, my food anxiety has really been taking away from the joy of my vacation anticipation. I’ve been finding myself constantly googling the food choices I’ll have to make and pre-calculating the calories I’ll allow myself to consume. I mean, really??? And what fun is a vacation if you can’t enjoy all of the delicious foods? I want to be mentally ok with more than shrimp cocktail and salad.

I really just want this problem to be gone.

Like right now.

I’m done.

I’m over it.

Last week, I read the greatest book that made me think I can finally fix my food issues. It planted a seed. It made me question how I had been doing things. Because, clearly, that hasn’t been working for me.

I was so into this book, that I read it all in two days.

I mean, I feel really good about this….

So what if we can be naturally thin (as in thin for our own unique bodies?) Wouldn’t that be such a great life? To eat whatever we’d like with freedom and without guilt? Without limiting “bad” foods? For some, that’s not an issue. But for a person who struggles with constant dieting, that’s absolutely the most bizarre thought ever. I’m not sure that I can even wrap my head around that idea. But I am intrigued. Really, all of the information in the book parallels with the things I learned in nutrition school. Unfortunately, I wasn’t ready to apply the information at the time I learned it. Sometimes, it’s hard to make a change. When we learn to live with a problem, we don’t see it as a problem because it’s our “normal”.

So, this book, The Secret of Your Naturally Skinny Friends – A Simple Path to Your Best Body and Mind, by Monica Swanson, explains a method called Hunger-Based Eating. When we learned about this in school, we called it Intuitive Eating. Same thing.

So what is this crazy eating method?

To put it simply, we are supposed to be guided by our hunger. We eat like we did when we were kids. Remember when we did that? As kids, most of us ate when we were hungry. We stopped when we were satisfied (not full!) If we weren’t hungry, we’d nibble a little bit and then go right back to whatever activity we were enjoying before we had to eat. Life didn’t revolve around food. Life didn’t revolve around counting calories. We didn’t eat because we were bored and we didn’t eat to solve problems. And getting back to that eating method is really not as hard as you’d think. But it does take conscious practice.

For the past few days, I’ve eaten this way.

I’ve eaten real butter on my corn, not calorie-free fake butter. I’ve eaten crackers with my salad. I’ve cooked with olive oil instead of calorie-free spray. I’ve put cheese on my omelets. I eaten pizza…for lunch!

And, most importantly, I didn’t starve myself or binge.

I just ate until I was satisfied. That’s it.

And you know what?

I haven’t gained a ton of weight! My weight is still the same, even though I ate the foods I feared. Not that I weighed….because I don’t. Not ever. That’s too much pressure.

I now feel better mentally and physically than I have in years!

I feel like the biggest weight has been lifted. Dieting has been like carrying a big bag of bricks everywhere I go. It was a burden! Because of this, I’m going to create a series of blog posts that document my journey into Hunger-Based Eating. I plan to write about the ups and downs as I go and share my thoughts and food diaries, as well as any helpful tips I discover. I’ll do it as honestly as possible. Because I’m going to make this happen. Even through the mess ups. Because I’ve made peace with the idea that this won’t be a perfect process.

I’m not going to let food control me anymore.

So, if you’ve ever struggled like I have, jump in here with me! Let’s be free from dieting and binge eating.

Let’s do this because we deserve better for ourselves.

“One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.”– Virginia Woolf

Categories: Eating Disorder Recovery

A New Day

It’s a new day today.

When I woke this morning, I realized that I have the power to create the life that I want. I have the opportunity to make my own rules. I don’t have to feel guilty that my marriage didn’t work. I don’t have to feel guilty because I’ve met someone I completely adore. I’m grateful that I have to opportunity to change and grow from my problems. There are so many people out there that have horrible diseases and life circumstances they can’t change. I am the lucky one. In a world where there are so many ideals and where Facebook and Instagram make life look perfect, I strive to be “real”. I share my struggles in the hope that I might be able to help others in similar situations.

For years, I’ve struggled with food. I think I’ll always struggle with food. Every pound that I’ve allowed myself to gain has been a hard-won victory. For the past few years, I think that I’ve been as “recovered” as I’ll ever be. I’ve learned to accept my flaws and I’ve been able to make peace with my weight. I do think that people with a history of eating disorders can never eat as freely as they did before the disorder. There’s always a sensitivity to weight and a certain amount of guilt associated with food. While it gets much easier, it never completely disappears. To a degree, the struggle with food is always there.

I made a mistake a few weeks ago.

For the first time in years, I weighed. Actually, my weight was about ten pounds lower than I thought it would have been. (That just shows how differently I view myself.) But, it was higher than it’s been since this all started eighteen years ago. I should have known that ignorance is bliss. For those with a history of eating disorders, there’s something so dangerous about numbers. I know that weight fluctuates throughout the day. I know that muscle weighs more than fat. I’ve spent the past two years learning about nutrition and have the certificate and the t-shirt to prove it.

But, I have eaten very carelessly for the past few months. My portion sizes have been too large and I’ve overindulged in wine. It just felt so good to eat normally and to feel like a “normal person”. I should have known that it wouldn’t last. That’s just not the life of someone who struggles with weight issues.

I suddenly found myself wanting to “lose five pounds”. Those are the infamous words that began the whole battle with my weight. I became angry at myself for being careless with my food. I stopped eating during the day. Some days, I didn’t eat anything the entire day. I’d sleep away the hunger and my feelings. When I’d try to eat at night, the starvation would cause me to binge. Binge eating would cause guilt. Many times, there’s a chemical imbalance that results from erratic eating and dieting that causes a person to become depressed. With of all the changes this year, the last thing I needed was to drown myself in a dark depression. It’s a vicious cycle that takes effort to break.

So… knowing all this, and having been here before, does make it easier to get back on track. For others that struggle, these are the things that have helped me overcome the vicious cycle of starving and binge eating…

Wake with a positive attitude. Make a list of the goals that you need to accomplish for the day. Be productive. Think of three things in which you are grateful. Being positive isn’t something that always happens naturally. It takes effort. Sometimes, it’s a struggle. Make it happen.

Exercise. I feel tremendously better when I walk. There have been lots of studies that prove that endorphins boost your mood and reduce stress and depression.

Eat regular meals. I’ve found that I do much better when I plan my meals and snacks for the entire day. Sometimes, even measuring out my food gives me the control I need and takes away the guilt of eating. I completely love the myfitnesspal app. It’s free and user-friendly. I’ve used it to plan my meals for years.

Be Nice to Yourself. Sometimes we treat ourselves far more harshly that we would treat others. It’s ok not to meet anyone else’s expectations. It’s ok to be different. Don’t deprive yourself of the things that you really want. Don’t put off being happy until you feel you deserve it. Instead of becoming overwhelmed with small things, look at the big picture. Life is a learning process.

So, I’m ready to do this! I’m ready to get myself back together. I’m excited to see what my future holds and I’m ready to be better than I ever have before. Cheers to new beginnings! I’m ready to seriously kick some ass!

You can read more about my story under the health/recovery tab.

Categories: Eating Disorder Recovery

And, Just Like That…

And just like that, I relapsed.

This is not the life I chose. I struggle. I struggle with the changes this year has brought. You see, my life was perfect a year ago. While some that read my blog posts might have thought my life was fake, I can truly say that my life was completely happy. While my husband and I had the usual arguments that were normal for most marriages, I felt that I had a devoted, faithful husband. I didn’t worry about money. I had recovered from my eating disorder and was healthy. I was even in school, working towards my health coaching degree. We went on fantastic vacations. I just couldn’t have asked for more.

That is, until my life changed in August. The phone bill was increasing. My husband stopped calling during the day…. and from there, things only got worse. After my husband moved upstairs, I lived in hell from October until January, when he moved out. For months, the anger of his affair kept me moving forward. Honestly, anger fuels a person like you wouldn’t believe.

Months after the anger has subsided, I now feel such a tremendous grief. I bear such an overwhelming guilt that I wasn’t the wife I was supposed to be. After losing two husbands, surely, it must be my fault. I mourn for the life I once had and for the trust I once felt. I mourn the dreams of the future I was to have with someone I loved.I mourn the life we worked to build together. I mourn the laughter we shared. Somehow, I must have been a failure.

And, just like that, only a few months after I legally separated, God blessed me with the most wonderful man. However, my boyfriend doesn’t get to see the woman that I truly am. He doesn’t get to see the happy, carefree self that I once was. He bears the anger I feel towards life. Because I am angry. I’m angry that I didn’t get to chose the outcome of my life. I’m angry that I have to bear the burden of paying all of the bills on a teacher’s salary. I’m angry that I rarely get to buy a pair of shoes. I’m angry that I have to mow the grass. I’m angry that I have to buy tires. I’m angry that my life will never be without struggles. And, I’m angry that I won’t allow him to help me. He constantly offers to help. But, these days, I don’t want to accept help from anyone as I don’t want to feel weak. I struggle with trust. I despise the way I feel because I’m not myself.

So, once again, I’ve turned to bulimia. Just the though sickens me. How could I come so far, just to take so many steps backwards? I don’t get nearly as sick as I once did. But still, getting sick once a day is even too much. I know that it’s how I deal with my feelings. There’s a certain satisfaction from self-punishment. I find myself feeling so out of control. I’m not worthy of the fantastic meals my boyfriend cooks for me. I’m not worthy of the love he gives. So, I punish myself by not allowing myself to feel joy. I notice that I’ve begun to push everyone away. I’ve not blogged. I’ve not been enjoying family time by the pool. I haven’t painted. I’ve not walked with my mom in the mornings. I feel too guilty to deserve the happiness I should feel in this new life.

I’ve traveled this road before. Because I’ve been here before, I should be able to find my way again. I believe that God puts us where he wants us. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Having said that, letting go of my marriage and my dreams are the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Letting myself be loved by someone else is also the hardest thing. I wish I didn’t punish myself like I do. But, I’ll overcome. Not to seem cynical, but it seems I can’t count on anything in life. Everything changes. I am happy to have so many good memories and maybe it just takes time for the grieving process to end. Life is a journey and I’m stubborn enough to work through this mess I’m in at the moment. If I’m not the person I once was, please bear with me. I have to trust that this will make me grow and that I’ll recover once more to be stronger than I ever have before. This, too, shall pass.