2023- A Life in Progress

Do you ever look at an old photo and remember what it felt like to really feel like yourself? Do you ever wonder what happened to you?

The real you?

Do you know what dampened your spark? Can you pinpoint when you lost yourself?

That’s me this holiday season. All day long. I realized it when this photo memory popped up. And there are so many photos like this…..so many photos of me having fun.

What happened to me? Where did this fun Aunt Kathi go? Did I actually jump on a trampoline? I remember that day so clearly. I had just divorced for the second time and was living my best life. I thought I’d have a heart attack from jumping so hard. I might have almost barfed. My sister and I laughed so hard, I thought we’d die. I was much younger, but let’s not factor that in… *laughing emoji*

And just like that, today I realized that I’d died. And honestly, I don’t know exactly when I died. I truthfully hadn’t realized that I’d lost myself- or the extent of the absence of the fun life I always lived. How could I allow this to happen? Maybe it was just a very slow death, one that only those closest to me recognized.

I don’t want to be the person I presently am. This isn’t the real me.

My first panicky thought was “How will I fix this? Is it even possible to save me?”

And from prior experience, I know that I can save myself. Without a doubt, I can save myself! I’ve done it before.

First, I think I wasn’t true to myself in the whole marriage thing. Yes, that’s very raw and honest. I believe that some people aren’t meant to live life as a married partner. Have I mentioned I’m super OCD? I know that I’m impossible to live with. That makes it difficult for the strongest of partners. And I feel beyond guilty about it. Every time someone calls us the perfect couple on social media, I cringe. I don’t want that pressure. We are not a “power couple” as we’ve been called. We may look similar in style, but there’s a whole lot of different going on. Don’t get me wrong. I have an awesome husband. It’s just that I’m not an awesome wife and definitely not an awesome stepmom.

There is still so much of me who doesn’t want any pressure to conform to the normal life- who loves not having to answer to no anyone else… who loves only having to only worry about my own happiness.

Second, I’ve always been somewhat of a people-pleaser…especially when it comes to my parents. I’ve always wanted to please them. I want them to feel I’ve made good choices. And over and over throughout my life, I’ve seemed to fail. They haven’t made me feel that way. It’s my own guilt. I never wanted kids. That has to be a disappointment. I’ve been married multiple times. And I feel they are most comfortable knowing I have a good husband. Yet, I’ve never been able to make that work. That’s so not like my parent’s relationship. Even though they have always offered their support, I feel I’ve failed in so many ways.

Third, I’ve lacked self-confidence in knowing that I have the ability to look after my own needs. I’ve also straight-up lacked the confidence in finding and being true to myself.

I’ve realized that in my lack of self-confidence and my need to please others by portraying myself to be something other than my true self, I’ve hurt and disappointed many. I cringe at how to even undo the damage I’ve caused by not standing up for myself and my needs. Sometimes, I feel like I’m on an airplane spiraling downwards that is destined to crash. It truly hurts my heart.

In my introspection, I can be true to myself, however that evolves. I don’t need to try to please anyone else. If they love me, they love me. If they don’t, I’ll survive. I have the confidence to know that I don’t need someone else to “up” my social status. I know that I can create my own life. My best true self is yet to come. I can be involved in the community. I can have my own business. I can excel at my job. I can do big things. I’m never been satisfied with being average and it’s ok for me to feel that way.

Maybe 50 is just the beginning for me.

For 2023, my goal is to find the old me…..the happy, fun me….whatever changes that brings.

I want to find the me who isn’t afraid to post social media pictures documenting my experiences. I miss not caring what everyone else thinks. I miss being real! In 2023, there will be no more fake life. No more doing what everyone expects me to do.

No worries, I won’t air my dirty laundry! I’ll keep it classy. (If you know, you know…many regrets…)

Will I on occasion drink too much wine? I will.

Will I document dancing in the kitchen? I will. (Mom caught me today and I was being my best self…)

Will I find comedy in life? Of course!

Will I push and challenge myself to do more and be more? Absolutely.

Will I let go of any situation that isn’t serving me? Yes to that too.

I’m 50. My time is short. (Shorter than it has been…)

I’m not sure what the outcome will be for 2023. Will it be difficult? Possibly. I can handle it. I’m prepared.

Will I force myself to grow 1000%? I’d say I already set the ball in motion in 2022. This year, my goal is to find the old me.

I will be SO fun- like the most fun 50-year-old ever!

Self-care. Self-indulgence. Me, doing me.

Because I’m on it.

If you are lost, may your feel inspired to find your best self! Be bold and brave. Challenge yourself to grow and may 2023 be the best year for you yet!