Last week was one of the hardest I’ve had in a while.
Our household was in turmoil as I had to make the decision to euthanize my 14-year-old sick cat, Tequila. Every member of our family, including our fur kids, felt our grief.
In the week leading up to euthanasia, I constantly questioned my choice. One day Tequila would seem better, but by the next day, she would be worse. Her eyes looked tired and she’d become so clingy to me- her clinginess made the choice even harder. How could I possibly choose to take the life of someone who looked at me as her protector?
Before I made the decision, I prayed about it really hard. In my heart, I knew I was doing the right thing because I didn’t want her to suffer any longer than she already had. But still, making the decision was the most difficult thing I’ve had to do.
Thankfully, I don’t have many memories of Friday. I only clearly remember holding Tequila in my lap after she was sedated. She slept so peacefully and I was able to cuddle her as I did when she was a kitten. I was grateful for the time to say goodbyes.
Because I couldn’t bear to watch her pass, Eric stepped in and rubbed her chin until she took her last breath. There’s a certain amount of comfort in knowing that she passed easily. I’d read that if done correctly, death by euthanasia can be a beautiful thing for a pet who has suffered.
I felt all the emotions when I got home. I honestly expected to feel relief, but I didn’t. I was mentally and physically exhausted from the stress, but I couldn’t rest. I walked the house for hours as my heart raced and I felt as if I were drowning in a sea of guilt. I literally couldn’t breathe. Over and over, I’d think I’d see her out of the corner of my eye.
I missed her so terribly.
Before Tequila got so sick, we’d already planned a night away. Because life had been so busy the previous weekend, we’d never had a chance to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Eric asked if I wanted to cancel, but I knew I’d need to get out of the house in order to take a mental break.
When I got up on Saturday morning, I felt angry. I wasn’t sure why I felt that way- I can only assume it’s part of the grief process. I began cleaning everything in sight, believing that staying busy would keep me from thinking about my loss.
Once out of the house, it took a while to get out of my horrendous funk. As the day went on, Eric allowed me to talk through my emotions, and I began to feel better about my choice.
Our first stop was in Zebulon. We visited Olde Raleigh Distillery, where we shared a Smoked Old Fashioned. It was one of the best I’ve had.
After grabbing some fries on the road, we made our way to Seaboard in Raleigh. They required masks, but I felt I didn’t need one more thing to make me feel more suffocated. They allowed us to do a wine tasting outside. The weather was beautiful, although super chilly. I was grateful they were able to accommodate us. I still despise the mask thing.
We had time before we checked into the hotel, so we hit one of our favorites, Chatham Hill Winery, for a tasting. I’m so grateful that things are opening back up again! I did the dry white tasting, while Eric did the sweet wine tasting. I think his wines were definitely better than mine. If ever you visit, I recommend the fruit wines. Their fruit wines are very light, and not syrupy sweet. Mango is my favorite!
By the time we arrived at the hotel- this is the same hotel we stayed in the night we were engaged- I was feeling almost normal.
Disclaimer- Although it looks like we drank a ton of alcohol, we really didn’t. We only did tastings and they were spaced throughout an entire day. Because, yeah…..I know it looks bad!
I have always loved staying at the Siena. They offer bubbly and cookies upon arrival. And they have bathrobes! Those things are always the deciding factor for me when choosing a hotel. We used Priceline to get a good deal.
I love that they left a handwritten note in our room. Their personal service is phenomenal!
Once we were in the room relaxing, I felt my OCD begin to creep in. I felt the need to rearrange, and I did. It made me feel better. I was so annoyed by the lamps not being symmetrical! I do think one of the keys to dealing with grief is staying busy and allowing yourself to feel all of the emotions.
Although we had planned to dress up a bit, I wasn’t feeling the desire to change clothes. When traveling overnight, I always pack different shoes and jewelry that I can use to dress up my daytime outfit. Sometimes, it’s just too much effort to change clothes!
Although my appetite wasn’t great, we took the shuttle to Stoney River for dinner. Once again, I had fries for my meal. Of course, our main reason for visiting Stoney River is always their carrot cake. It’s the best we’ve ever had.
After a good night’s sleep, we stopped for a bite at Sunrise before leaving Chapel Hill. Eric loves their biscuits, while I favor the BLTs.
I’m so grateful to have a husband that is sensitive to my needs. I think he instinctively knew what I needed, even better than myself. He is always patient with me and seems to balance my moods. I love the way our relationship continues to strengthen with time.
While life is slowly returning to a new normal, I’ll always miss my firstborn. In time, I hope to be able to look at pictures of her and enjoy the memories without crying.
I’ve realized that dying is a part of living. You can’t have one without the other. And even after experiencing the death of a loved one, life continues to move on. You have to keep making an effort to continue moving forward so that you can retain your sanity- and the sanity of those around you.
A pet loss is difficult. Pets touch our lives with unconditional love. Through all of the changes in my life, Tequila was always there to comfort me. And I hope that I was able to comfort her in her last days. I hope she felt the love I had for her and understands that I made such a difficult choice because I loved her so much.
