I spent the weekend putting up my Christmas decorations.
And I spent the weekend reflecting on how my life has changed since becoming a single girl in 2016, and how much I’ve grown as a result.
~2016~
My life completely changed in 2016. It was my first Christmas living alone. As Mom helped me put up my beastly 12-foot tree, I remember thinking that it was the hardest Christmas ever. I was still clinging to traditions, afraid to let go of my old life. I’d look at the old Christmas pictures to make sure I was doing everything the same as previous years. I’d cry as the pictures were so overwhelmingly sad. I was in denial that my marriage was over and needed to pretend that everything was the same. I needed that to cope with the sadness I felt. There were so many conflicting feelings that year. As it had been a horrible ending to our marriage earlier in the year, I was relieved that the worst was behind me. I’d begun dating Eric and despite the sadness, I was feeling hopeful that better things were coming. Grateful that I had survived almost a year of being single, and grateful to still have my home, I snapped a photo with my favorite vintage champagne glass that was a gift from my mom the previous year. As I was on such a tight budget, I’m sure the cheap champagne was a splurge! I was now appreciative of all of the small luxuries in life. I took so many things for granted when I was married. I decided then that I would snap a recreation of that photo every year so that I could document my journey into singledom.
~2017~
I put up the tree on my own that year. I dragged it down the stairs by myself and wrestled it up on the ten-foot ladder without killing myself. 2017 was my year of being a superwoman, refusing to ask for help from anyone unless absolutely necessary. I was becoming more self-confident and more self-sufficient. I’d learned how to budget and I was even able to buy a few new ornaments and decorations for my home. I truly enjoyed being single and was feeling successful. However, with those feelings of success, I found that I was becoming obsessed with having control over every single detail of my life. With the sadness behind me, I was now very angry. Although I was still dating Eric and things were going well, I couldn’t fathom ever being married again. At that point in my life, I viewed marriage as a battle of control and there was no way I’d ever be willing to give up control again. I was unable to look at my old Christmas pictures from previous years because I was too bitter. Still refusing to let go of any old traditions, I finally felt ready to cautiously create a few new ones. I noted that the lights on my tree were beginning to die. The dying lights on my tree were symbolic. Just as the lights were beginning to die, my old life was beginning to die. As in the previous year, I snapped a picture as I sipped champagne from one of my most cherished glasses.
~2018~
That year, Eric helped me put up the beast. But even with help, it felt like a chore. I wondered how I’d still manage to put up a huge tree when I was 80. I began to worry about my future and the joy of living my single life was quickly diminishing. Now fully divorced, I was still struggling to control every situation. And it was draining me. But I was beginning to heal emotionally. I was finding that I was beginning to trust again. Finally, I could look at old Christmas pictures. I was no longer angry or sad. 2018 was the year that I began to form a more healthy perspective on life. I was beginning to realize that everything had happened for a reason. After surviving a broken arm and the death of my beloved Smokey that year, I felt confident that I could survive any situation. As 2018 was a very stressful year, I felt tired of the constant struggle. I was realizing that I didn’t want to be single for the rest of my life. Marriage was becoming an option. That year, I was able to let go of some of my personal traditions. Eric’s kids joined us for Christmas Eve. It was completely different from any Christmas I’d previously had, but I found that I enjoyed branching outside of my comfort zone. Just as the lights on the tree continued to die, memories of my old life were fading away. That year, I proudly sipped my better prosecco from my new set of Waterford crystal glass that I’d purchased myself. My life was continuing to change and I was now ready for it.
~2019~
This year, I’m entering the holiday season as a fiancee’. I was finally ready to let go of my huge tree to buy a new smaller one. (Admittedly, I was a little sad to say goodbye to the beast). I’ve changed out a few of my decorations, and I’m actually simplifying the decor this year. I’m ready for change. And more change is coming for me, for sure. This year, we’ll have the kids for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s hard to believe that in a few short months, this single girl with inherit kids! Never in a million years did I think I’d ever been more than a cat mom. Although it’s been a happy year, it hasn’t really been an easy year. As my life is changing again this year, there’s still so much anxiety. I’m having to learn to let go of control. I’m making a constant effort to remind myself to focus on the positive instead of on my fears, but I realize that it’s a process. These things take time and practice. But I no longer want to allow fear to hold me back. I can now look at my old Christmas pictures and remember the happy times as precious chapters in my life. And there will be so many more chapters yet to be written! This year, I snapped a picture in front of my new tree with it’s brightly shining lights, with one of the glasses my parents gave us for an engagement gift. I opened a bottle of my favorite La Marca prosecco to celebrate. My life has nearly come full circle. I feel courageous! I feel grateful that I have another chance at marriage. And I’m excited to have a family of my own, filled with future memories and many new Christmas pictures.
The changes in my life have strengthened me. The scared newly single girl in 2016 wouldn’t have recognized the strong, independent woman I am today. Looking back at the pictures, I see my growth and I wonder why I even worried at all. I have faith in God that there is a plan for my life. If given the opportunity, I wouldn’t change any of the events because I’m grateful for all that I’ve been through. Each year, as I look back through my old photos, I will treasure all of the chapters in my life.
To read more about my single life, check out these past posts….
