It’s been a year since the separation.
Although I’ve been asked to write about divorce, I’ve had to be very cautious about the things that I say and what I choose to publish. But I have been documenting. Honestly, after a year, I must have enough material for a book.
In honor of the day I signed my separation papers, I thought I’d reflect on the changes in my feelings between then and now. As you know from past blog posts, I truly have experienced the ups and downs and have felt every emotion in the book.
Anxiety
If I had any advice for last year’s self, I would tell my anxiety-riddled self that things would be ok. I would tell myself to trust in God and to be patient with the healing process. Then, I was mostly anxious over my financial situation. I didn’t know how long I’d be able to live in my house or if I’d be able to keep my car. I was desperately afraid of having an emergency that would require funds I didn’t have. Although I’m still a little fearful of the unknown and I’m still a bit anxious over money, I’ve learned many things that have given me peace of mind. I’ve learned to live on a budget; even creating a small emergency fund and a savings account. I’ve learned to ask for help when I need it. And these days, I’m a less rigid person. While I’ll probably always be an anxious person, I don’t let anxiety rule my existence these days.
Loss
After the initial shock and anger, I felt loss. It was an all-consuming loss. I missed my companion and the loss of the future we had planned together. I missed the routines and even the small inconveniences of everyday life. I no longer had the feeling of security I’d always loved when I was married. As the year has progressed, my feeling of loss have been replaced by a strong sense of independence. I know that when God closes one door, another opens. I feel an excitement for my future that now outweighs my loss.
Anger
I’m still very angry. I can honestly say that the intensity hasn’t changed much. However, the type of anger I feel has changed. Whereas last year it was a situational anger, now it’s more of an overall anger at myself. I don’t know how I could have been so trusting or oblivious to certain situations. I don’t know how I could have allowed myself to be used. I’m even angry because I’m still angry. I’ve lashed out too many times at the people I love. I know from my health coaching that anger is a very normal feeling and it’s something that must be acknowledged and worked through.
A year after separation, I’m learning to embrace the new chapter in my life. From this year of separation, I’m more confident in my independence and I’m more cautious in my relationships. Because I’ve had to rely on God for help, I’m much more mature spiritually.Even the things I learned in my holistic heath coaching classes have helped tremendously. It’s funny how things work out in the end. Although we don’t always have control over where life takes us, I have to believe that it is all part of a gloriously scripted plan. From adversity, comes growth.
Cheers to a happy life!
I’m very proud of you girl. Being a mom of 2 and divorce going on 12 years now. I can tell you it is very hard and still hard at times. I also learn how to do things in the beginning just like you did. I learned to trust in God more than ever too. I’m still very angry at times with my ex. I hate him with all my heart, he did me so wrong and I’m still mad at myself for allowing such nonsense. I’m still trying to forgive and forget, but I just don’t have that down yet. I’m very thankful for Marty my boyfriend going on 6 years. It looks as if you have a good one now, and I’m very happy for you. Keep you the good work girl. I’m very proud of you. Barbie
Thank you so much for your comment! I’ve felt so guilty because I’m hanging on to anger, but it’s good to know that it’s not so abnormal. I guess time does heal. You have done an amazing job raising your two sweet, beautiful girls. You are truly an inspiration, Barbie. I’m so glad to be able to keep up with you and the girls on FB!
Wonderful writing. When are you going to write a book?
This is excellent Kathi.
It’s obvious that you are a very centered person with your eyes fixed on the proper source of peace and provision… Jesus. In my life, it took nearly three years before I was really whole emotionally. Even though my marriage was very difficult and unhappy and my wife cheated on me, there was still a tremendous sense of loss.
I would encourage you to learn to trust again. Not the same kind of blind trust that you once had, but rather a kind of trust that has your eyes wide open and accepting reality. None of us is perfect. We all fall short of the glory of God. However, in our individual imperfection, I believe there is an individual created by God to be perfect for each one of us.
“For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.”
Psalm 139:13-16 NIV
I believe as we seek His face and follow His direction, we will find the perfect mate that was ordained for each of us and written in His book. You are a stunning woman. Trust completely in Jesus. Pray and seek the Lord’s guidance to write down all of the attributes and characteristics that you need and want in a husband. Do that without consideration of any specific individual. Then use your list as a touchstone to keep yourself honest as you meet men. If you seek His wisdom to create your list, you will be able to recognize “the one” because he will be perfectly described in your list.
May “The Lord bless you
and keep you;
the Lord make his face shine on you
and be gracious to you;
the Lord turn his face toward you
and give you peace.”
Numbers 6:24-26
What a beautiful, touching comment! The healing process does take time. Already, so many things in my life are better than I ever imagined they could be. I do owe it all to God for seeing me through such a dark time in my life. Thanks so much for taking the time to read.