And just like that, I relapsed.
This is not the life I chose. I struggle. I struggle with the changes this year has brought. You see, my life was perfect a year ago. While some that read my blog posts might have thought my life was fake, I can truly say that my life was completely happy. While my husband and I had the usual arguments that were normal for most marriages, I felt that I had a devoted, faithful husband. I didn’t worry about money. I had recovered from my eating disorder and was healthy. I was even in school, working towards my health coaching degree. We went on fantastic vacations. I just couldn’t have asked for more.
That is, until my life changed in August. The phone bill was increasing. My husband stopped calling during the day…. and from there, things only got worse. After my husband moved upstairs, I lived in hell from October until January, when he moved out. For months, the anger of his affair kept me moving forward. Honestly, anger fuels a person like you wouldn’t believe.
Months after the anger has subsided, I now feel such a tremendous grief. I bear such an overwhelming guilt that I wasn’t the wife I was supposed to be. After losing two husbands, surely, it must be my fault. I mourn for the life I once had and for the trust I once felt. I mourn the dreams of the future I was to have with someone I loved.I mourn the life we worked to build together. I mourn the laughter we shared. Somehow, I must have been a failure.
And, just like that, only a few months after I legally separated, God blessed me with the most wonderful man. However, my boyfriend doesn’t get to see the woman that I truly am. He doesn’t get to see the happy, carefree self that I once was. He bears the anger I feel towards life. Because I am angry. I’m angry that I didn’t get to chose the outcome of my life. I’m angry that I have to bear the burden of paying all of the bills on a teacher’s salary. I’m angry that I rarely get to buy a pair of shoes. I’m angry that I have to mow the grass. I’m angry that I have to buy tires. I’m angry that my life will never be without struggles. And, I’m angry that I won’t allow him to help me. He constantly offers to help. But, these days, I don’t want to accept help from anyone as I don’t want to feel weak. I struggle with trust. I despise the way I feel because I’m not myself.
So, once again, I’ve turned to bulimia. Just the though sickens me. How could I come so far, just to take so many steps backwards? I don’t get nearly as sick as I once did. But still, getting sick once a day is even too much. I know that it’s how I deal with my feelings. There’s a certain satisfaction from self-punishment. I find myself feeling so out of control. I’m not worthy of the fantastic meals my boyfriend cooks for me. I’m not worthy of the love he gives. So, I punish myself by not allowing myself to feel joy. I notice that I’ve begun to push everyone away. I’ve not blogged. I’ve not been enjoying family time by the pool. I haven’t painted. I’ve not walked with my mom in the mornings. I feel too guilty to deserve the happiness I should feel in this new life.
I’ve traveled this road before. Because I’ve been here before, I should be able to find my way again. I believe that God puts us where he wants us. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Having said that, letting go of my marriage and my dreams are the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Letting myself be loved by someone else is also the hardest thing. I wish I didn’t punish myself like I do. But, I’ll overcome. Not to seem cynical, but it seems I can’t count on anything in life. Everything changes. I am happy to have so many good memories and maybe it just takes time for the grieving process to end. Life is a journey and I’m stubborn enough to work through this mess I’m in at the moment. If I’m not the person I once was, please bear with me. I have to trust that this will make me grow and that I’ll recover once more to be stronger than I ever have before. This, too, shall pass.
You are stronger than you think. You do deserve happiness! That is why God sent you your boyfriend. Don’t give up on yourself. God doesn’t make junk and you are one of his creations. He loves you and watches over you. Sometimes we have to go through pain to get to our happy times. You can do this! Pray everyday. We can’t do it without him. I’m just around the way if you need me. I’ve been where you are going through divorce and a cheating husband. It does hurt. It feels like your life ended and you are all alone. You’re not! You have Eric and tons of friends. Your family loves you. You WILL get through this! Hugs to you my friend. Love you. No one is perfect. Cut yourself some slack.
Thanks so much for that sweet message. You are always so encouraging to everyone. You are an inspiration! I know that the first year of change is the hardest, and I will get through this. Praying does always make me feel better. Love you, my friend!
You are not alone in your feelings. The specific struggle may be different, but many of us feel the resulting anger, greif, and guilt. We count on those who love us to encourage us, help us, or just sit quietly beside us. That, and definitely God, gets us through the lows. Your family and friends are proud of you. And while it’s great that you always seem to keep your head up, we love you even when you’re not the life of the party. ?
Thank you! You are so right that everyone has struggles and feels the same resulting emotions. Writing is my therapy when I can’t talk about things out loud. Life is an ongoing process and we do get through the tough times. Love you!
Never stop dreaming. Even if a dream doesn’t come true. Dreams are what keep us looking forward to the future. Even if our dreams seem unrealistic to others we some how rely on the future to get us through today.
Thanks so much for that encouragement, Amber! That means a lot coming from you because I know you’ve had such hard times.
Kathy, I cannot believe that you have come so far in your life only to think about returning to the dark side! You struggled for so many years with bulimia and you overcame it. Don’t let anyone take that victory from you! You did it, no one else! It took years to get to that healthy point in your life! And then you became a health coach and you wore that medal with pride and joy! No one has the right to take those huge accomplishments from you. Don’t let a low down man get take your sparkle away! Call me anytime for words of truth about sorry men! I married 2 of them!!
Thank you so much, Lynn! I guess it was bound to happen. I’ll get back on track. I think the first year after a divorce is the hardest. Thanks for your kind words. You are the best!
I truly know how you feel. Although I don’t suffer from bulimia, I am where you are, struggling to figure out how my life turned out this way. Anger is always my struggle, especially knowing how badly my boys have been hurt. I don’t want to let anyone help me, I must figure this out on my own! I will pray for you, for strength and courage!
You are Woman! You can do this girl. You deserve every happiness,and your dreams may be different now,but they will still be your dreams. You will overcome because you have before . God as your back,the universe has your back. Start walking with your mom again. It will make her happy too. I know you got this. You are strong for sharing! Much love and light to you!
Wow you are so freaking brave. Your blog can help change lives . No one deserves the shit you have endured . We all believe in you. You have got this . ?
I just saw this! Thank you so much for the encouragement. Sometimes I think I hit the publish button way too fast!
You are so very strong. Please know your dad and I see your strength, and we are so sorry that things are so difficult. None of this was your fault! You deserve the very best life has to offer. Bulimia and anorexia are the devil’s work. My fervent prayer is that you will soon be rid of them. Don’t let a sorry man take your pride and happiness. Know that we are always ready to help you and that we are so proud of you, dear daughter. We love you on good days and bad days!