It Wasn’t Worth It

 

Today, as I head to the dentist for the third time in a month, something is weighing heavily on my mind. This year, I have really begun to feel the physical consequences of my fifteen year struggle with bulimia. If I could go back in time, and redo those years, I think I would. Forcing my body to be to0 thin just wasn’t worth it.

It wasn’t worth…

…the torture of gaining back every single pound, plus more.

…my painfully sluggish metabolism.

…missing fun times with family or friends because I had to rush home to get sick after every single meal.

….the horrible embarrassment of being caught purging.

…losing relationships that were important to me because my only true love was my eating disorder.

….the torture of trying on every single pair of pants….at least twice a day.

….hours spent in the bathroom, punishing my body by trying to purge every single calorie.

…the hundreds of dollars a week spent on groceries.

…the embarrassment of going to the grocery store and buying tons of food,  every single day.

…the chronically dry skin and hair loss from dehydration and the lack of nutrition.

…the numerous times I passed out after purging because my body couldn’t handle it.

…staying home alone, crying because I felt too fat to go out in public.

…having no memories of my late twenties and thirties because I slept through my free time,trying to escape the misery.

…The voices in my head, telling me that I was weak, fat, and disgusting.

…the swollen face, blood-shot eyes,  and callused knuckles.

….the horror of losing nearly every single tooth from the pummeling  of brutal stomach acid.

…the thousands spent on dental bills that could have paid for a European vacation.

…the time spent wishing that I could die  because I felt that it was my only way out.

Being too thin wasn’t worth it. Bulimia wasn’t worth it. The only thing that was worth it was my recovery, because now, I have an appreciation for life that I’ve never had before.

If you know anyone that has an eating disorder, please give them love and encouragement. Tell them that they are special and  that their lives are important. 

Eating disorders are ugly. Bodies are meant to be healthy, strong, and happy. Life, as well as our bodies, are gifts.