It’s been a year since the separation.
Although I’ve been asked to write about divorce, I’ve had to be very cautious about the things that I say and what I choose to publish. But I have been documenting. Honestly, after a year, I must have enough material for a book.
In honor of the day I signed my separation papers, I thought I’d reflect on the changes in my feelings between then and now. As you know from past blog posts, I truly have experienced the ups and downs and have felt every emotion in the book.
If I had any advice for last year’s self, I would tell my anxiety-riddled self that things would be ok. I would tell myself to trust in God and to be patient with the healing process. Then, I was mostly anxious over my financial situation. I didn’t know how long I’d be able to live in my house or if I’d be able to keep my car. I was desperately afraid of having an emergency that would require funds I didn’t have. Although I’m still a little fearful of the unknown and I’m still a bit anxious over money, I’ve learned many things that have given me peace of mind. I’ve learned to live on a budget; even creating a small emergency fund and a savings account. I’ve learned to ask for help when I need it. And these days, I’m a less rigid person. While I’ll probably always be an anxious person, I don’t let anxiety rule my existence these days.
After the initial shock and anger, I felt loss. It was an all-consuming loss. I missed my companion and the loss of the future we had planned together. I missed the routines and even the small inconveniences of everyday life. I no longer had the feeling of security I’d always loved when I was married. As the year has progressed, my feeling of loss have been replaced by a strong sense of independence. I know that when God closes one door, another opens. I feel an excitement for my future that now outweighs my loss.
I’m still very angry. I can honestly say that the intensity hasn’t changed much. However, the type of anger I feel has changed. Whereas last year it was a situational anger, now it’s more of an overall anger at myself. I don’t know how I could have been so trusting or oblivious to certain situations. I don’t know how I could have allowed myself to be used. I’m even angry because I’m still angry. I’ve lashed out too many times at the people I love. I know from my health coaching that anger is a very normal feeling and it’s something that must be acknowledged and worked through.
A year after separation, I’m learning to embrace the new chapter in my life. From this year of separation, I’m more confident in my independence and I’m more cautious in my relationships. Because I’ve had to rely on God for help, I’m much more mature spiritually.Even the things I learned in my holistic heath coaching classes have helped tremendously. It’s funny how things work out in the end. Although we don’t always have control over where life takes us, I have to believe that it is all part of a gloriously scripted plan. From adversity, comes growth.
Cheers to a happy life!