And just like that, I relapsed.
This is not the life I chose. I struggle. I struggle with the changes this year has brought. You see, my life was perfect a year ago. While some that read my blog posts might have thought my life was fake, I can truly say that my life was completely happy. While my husband and I had the usual arguments that were normal for most marriages, I felt that I had a devoted, faithful husband. I didn’t worry about money. I had recovered from my eating disorder and was healthy. I was even in school, working towards my health coaching degree. We went on fantastic vacations. I just couldn’t have asked for more.
That is, until my life changed in August. The phone bill was increasing. My husband stopped calling during the day…. and from there, things only got worse. After my husband moved upstairs, I lived in hell from October until January, when he moved out. For months, the anger of his affair kept me moving forward. Honestly, anger fuels a person like you wouldn’t believe.
Months after the anger has subsided, I now feel such a tremendous grief. I bear such an overwhelming guilt that I wasn’t the wife I was supposed to be. After losing two husbands, surely, it must be my fault. I mourn for the life I once had and for the trust I once felt. I mourn the dreams of the future I was to have with someone I loved.I mourn the life we worked to build together. I mourn the laughter we shared. Somehow, I must have been a failure.
And, just like that, only a few months after I legally separated, God blessed me with the most wonderful man. However, my boyfriend doesn’t get to see the woman that I truly am. He doesn’t get to see the happy, carefree self that I once was. He bears the anger I feel towards life. Because I am angry. I’m angry that I didn’t get to chose the outcome of my life. I’m angry that I have to bear the burden of paying all of the bills on a teacher’s salary. I’m angry that I rarely get to buy a pair of shoes. I’m angry that I have to mow the grass. I’m angry that I have to buy tires. I’m angry that my life will never be without struggles. And, I’m angry that I won’t allow him to help me. He constantly offers to help. But, these days, I don’t want to accept help from anyone as I don’t want to feel weak. I struggle with trust. I despise the way I feel because I’m not myself.
So, once again, I’ve turned to bulimia. Just the though sickens me. How could I come so far, just to take so many steps backwards? I don’t get nearly as sick as I once did. But still, getting sick once a day is even too much. I know that it’s how I deal with my feelings. There’s a certain satisfaction from self-punishment. I find myself feeling so out of control. I’m not worthy of the fantastic meals my boyfriend cooks for me. I’m not worthy of the love he gives. So, I punish myself by not allowing myself to feel joy. I notice that I’ve begun to push everyone away. I’ve not blogged. I’ve not been enjoying family time by the pool. I haven’t painted. I’ve not walked with my mom in the mornings. I feel too guilty to deserve the happiness I should feel in this new life.
I’ve traveled this road before. Because I’ve been here before, I should be able to find my way again. I believe that God puts us where he wants us. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Having said that, letting go of my marriage and my dreams are the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Letting myself be loved by someone else is also the hardest thing. I wish I didn’t punish myself like I do. But, I’ll overcome. Not to seem cynical, but it seems I can’t count on anything in life. Everything changes. I am happy to have so many good memories and maybe it just takes time for the grieving process to end. Life is a journey and I’m stubborn enough to work through this mess I’m in at the moment. If I’m not the person I once was, please bear with me. I have to trust that this will make me grow and that I’ll recover once more to be stronger than I ever have before. This, too, shall pass.